


Poe Decides to Get Laid

by Nerd_Mom_Writer



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bad Ideas, Comedy, Crack, F/M, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Poor Life Choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14693769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_Mom_Writer/pseuds/Nerd_Mom_Writer
Summary: ONE-SHOT. The Resistance and First Order are throwing a party to celebrate their long-awaited peace treaty. Poe's going, but he's a man on a mission to forget reality for a few minutes in the best way possible. However, he doesn't have a date. This random one-shot was the result of poor decisions. Read at your own risk.





	Poe Decides to Get Laid

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was inspired by a conversation with Xanderlike (Fanfiction.net) and our desire to see Poe flirt more. It's a terrible idea, and you shouldn't read it.

After months of negotiations between Supreme Leader Kylo Ren and General Leia Organa, the First Order and the Resistance had arranged peace between them. In celebration of this event, the two organizations had arranged a private party for the leading members of each group to comingle, drink, and generally let loose in a penthouse on Coruscant.

Poe, naturally, had been invited, and he was determined to make the best of it. After all, he had been celibate for years during his service in the Resistance. Secret missions and constant evacuations did not allow much time for intimacy between its members. He had kissed a few people here and there, but that was it, and at this point, nearly all of them were dead. To the First Order. Who was now their ally.

He cringed just thinking about it, but he was expected to celebrate, and so he would, and he would get very drunk, and then he would get very laid.

Problem was that he didn’t have anyone.

Poe arrived at the party with everyone else, and it was clear to see that some relationships had formed despite the war and despite the… war. He watched Rey practically dive into the arms of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren and kiss the man deeply.

Huh. So that was a thing. 

Poe looked to Leia and saw the woman beaming proudly. Figures. She probably used the relationship between those two to seal the deal. Well, the woman had always been clever and ambitious. Poe had had a crush on her when he first joined up.

Poe narrowed his eyes and took a sip from his drink. No, he wasn’t really thinking that, was he?

Yes, yes he was. 

And why not? Leia was still a beautiful woman, if perhaps a bit older than she once was… and with a son nearly as old as Poe.

Poe took another sip and started walking towards her. “Leia,” he said, raising his drink to clink against hers. Leia smiled warmly at him. “How are you this even--ack!” he said as he felt a strong hand firmly clasp his shoulder. Poe followed it up a black sleeve to find Kylo Ren glaring down at him.

“That is a bad idea,” Kylo Ren said.

Poe nodded speechlessly. Kylo Ren seemed satisfied and stepped away. Poe could hear Rey asking Kylo Ren what that was about.

“It was good seeing you, Leia,” Poe said.

“May the force be with you,” Leia said with a raised eyebrow at her son behind them. 

“Yea, that,” Poe said, and walked briskly to the opposite end of the large lounge where they all mingled. He risked a glance over his shoulder and found Kylo Ren still glaring at him while keeping a protective arm around Rey, who was talking to Leia now.

“Well, not all plans work out,” he said and glanced around for a fresh target. He took another sip and approached Kaydel Connix, who was lounging with several other women and chatting casually. “Kaydel, you look lovely in that dress,” he said, helping himself to the seat next to her.

Kaydel smiled at him. However, it wasn’t a happy-to-see-him smile, but more of an exasperated please-go-away smile. “Thanks, Poe. How many drinks have you had?”

Poe frowned. “I’m not quite sure. Why?”

Kaydel wrinkled her nose. “Your breath stinks. Can we talk some other time?”

Poe pouted, but nodded. “Yea, sure, another time.”

Two down, any number left to go. Besides, it wasn’t like Poe was exclusive to girls, though it had been a while since he had hit on a man. Where was his favorite man? Ah, there. “Finn!” he called, spotting the handsome dark man with that mechanic girl… what was her name? Petunia or something?

Finn jogged over, and the girl followed, scowling. “Poe, man! It’s so good to see you!” Finn said and gave Poe a big hug. 

Poe leaned into it some, enjoying Finn’s proximity. “You too.”

“Can you believe the war’s actually over? And did you see how Rey and Kylo Ren are? Where did that even come from?” Finn said, still hugging Poe back.

Poe smiled. That Finn hadn’t let go yet was a good sign. “I was shocked too. When did they even have the chance?”

“Finn, you’re still hugging him,” the girl said and gently tugged on Finn’s arm.

“Oh, you’re right! Sorry, Poe,” Finn said, letting go. “Did you know Rose and I started dating?”

Rose. That was it. Not Petunia. Poe forced a smile on. “Really? That’s great. Great,” he said. So much for hooking up with Finn tonight.

“Yea, it is great. So Finn, my boyfriend, and I will just be going now,” Rose said and dragged Finn off before Finn could get another word.

Poe sighed and sat down on the sofa. A minute later, a gorgeous blonde woman sat down next to him. “Hi,” she said.

Poe gulped and smiled at her. “Hi there. What brings you here tonight?” The woman did not smile back, but she studied him with an intensity he felt alluring. “Enjoying your time?”

“I’m searching for General Poe Dameron,” she said.

Poe grinned widely. “Well, beautiful, you’ve found him.”

The woman’s head cocked to the side as her eyes narrowed. “Huh. I expected more from the man who humiliated my beloved.” 

Poe had just enough time to process her words and frown before she punched him hard in the gut and walked off. “What the stars,” Poe moaned as he hunched over.

“Phasma!” Poe heard a man screech nearby. He looked up to see a red-headed man berate the blonde harshly before dismissing her. Was that General Hux? He was cuter in person. Poe tried to straighten up as Hux came forward and sat down beside him on the sofa.

“Are you okay? I do apologize. Phasma has not taken the news of our alliance with the Resistance well. Are you hurt?”

Poe gazed up at the man he had once insulted in a moment of mad inspiration to buy the Resistance more time to evacuate their base. Hux was incredibly handsome when he was concerned. “I should be fine.”

“I know how hard Captain Phasma hits, sir. Please, let me inspect the injury.”

Well, Poe was not going to say no to that. He allowed Hux to lift his shirt carefully and run a pale hand over his toned abdomen. Poe inhaled sharply, especially when Hux rested his hand there. Poe met Hux’s eyes and carefully put his hand over Hux’s, holding it to him.

“You’re like me, aren’t you?” Hux asked, surprised. His eyes were like liquid sapphires, and his lips were so full. Poe leaned in and met them carefully. Some regretfully sober part of his mind reminded him that he was kissing the man responsible for the destruction of the Hosnia system. Fortunately, the drunk part of him didn’t care and saw only a willing, attractive participant.

Hux leaned into the kiss and moved his hand up Poe’s chest. Poe opened his mouth to Hux and things were getting very intense indeed when Poe realized the blonde, Phasma, had returned and was standing over them glaring at them.

“General Hux,” she said.

Hux cringed and pulled himself away from Poe to face Phasma. “What is it?” he hissed at her.

“Do you know the name of the man you are with?” she asked.

“No, and I don’t care!” he spat.

“It’s Poe Dameron, sir,” she said. “You know, the one who called you General Hugs and lost you the respect of the officers.”

The blood disappeared from Hux’s cheeks in a moment as he stared in open-mouthed horror at Poe. “You? You’re Poe Dameron!?”

Poe was just a touch too drunk to do more than nod slowly.

“You were just kissing me to make a fool of me again, weren’t you?” Hux said. “I should have known better than to expect someone so handsome to... “ He sniffed and paused, pulling himself away and stiffening. “I’m done here,” he said, and pivoted before walking away.

Phasma smiled wickedly at Poe. “You don’t deserve him,” she said before following Hux.

Poe gaped. He had now been turned down by an aging widow, his most steadfast ally in the Resistance, his best friend, some sadistic blonde, and the man who had destroyed the Hosnian system, who was undeniably hotter than Poe had ever expected and a very good kisser.

“Maybe I should just give up,” he said and threw his head back.

“I’ve seen eyes like yours before.”

Poe jerked his head up. “Maz!? You’re not on the guest list. How did you even get in here?” he asked the tiny female humanoid with giant goggles over her sunken eyes.

Maz cackled. “Have you forgotten I’m a pirate?” she said as explanation. 

Poe shrugged and frowned. 

“You look like someone who’s given up despite our hour of triumph. Bad luck in the romance department?” she asked.

Poe sighed. “Romance? I would settle for just getting laid so I wouldn’t have to think too hard for a few minutes about everything that’s happened.”

Maz gave him a thoughtful look. “You’re cute, and I’m available,” she said after a minute.

Poe glanced at her. “Funny, Maz. You’re not even half my size. I would crush you.”

“That’s what you think, but you’re smaller than the wookiee, and he didn’t crush me,” Maz said, smiling mischievously. “What do you say, pilot? Want to navigate my seas?”

Poe’s jaw dropped, and then he recovered. “Must have been a dwarven wookiee.”

“Not at all. It was Chewbacca. That was a fun night,” Maz said in a sultry voice.

Poe felt like someone had just hit the off switch on his brain as he tried to process the logistics of that even happening. Chewbacca was huge even by human standards, and Maz was... “How? Actually, I don’t want to know how, but I don’t understand…”

Maz put a finger on his lips. “The only thing you need to understand is whether you want to find out for yourself. If so, I’m interested. It’s been a while since I was with a cute, rash youngster like yourself.”

Poe gazed at Maz and took another drink. “Why not?” he said, and he and Maz left for a private room.

**Author's Note:**

> Told you that you shouldn't have read it.


End file.
